"A Grief Observed" - upon Dad's death.

"A Grief Observed" - upon Dad's death.

This is an email sent to Mom on 7/27/2008.

Mom,

Got your message.

Just started reading C. S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed". Pick it up Mom. I have known about the book for some time, but never read it since I didn't have any real sense of grief / bereavement in my life until now. This is more of a collection of notes that Lewis wrote down in response to his grief and loss of his wife. I know a little of the story of their life together, and this book does give more information about it, but the real meat is his troubles, thoughts and problems in losing his wife. I don't understand everything that he has written here, but some of it is already coming too close to home.

He talks about the vanity of his sorrow. I don't understand people that try and comfort me with words like "Dad is in a better place." I don't worry about Dad at all. He has always been in God's hands and who could ask for anything better? I am vain. I'm upset at being separated from him. Death is final. There is no returning to a conversation or being with Dad. Hear his laugh. Experience him in any way. All we have is memories that begin to fade and change as we go over them. Ultimately our own memories of him are our own and not him anymore. God I miss him.

Lewis talks about the memories and that brings me to the other solace that we often say. We have our memories of him. Like I said, those are so faulty. You know that memories are tricky. You and I have memories of things and people in our lives, but those are constructs of our minds and not that actual person. They never truly live up to the living person that is now gone. I can't experience him. I can't try and know him anymore. He is just gone.

The last thing is hardest and that is that we will never be where we were. He has gone on and is in a separate world from us. When we also enter that world, we won't be the same. We won't be father and son. We won't go golfing, enjoy a game of cards, a joke, good food and beer. None of those things that we did and said with each other can be lived again. This does sadden me because I will miss his vitality and joy for life. I can live life more like he did, but it is a poor substitute.

This is getting a little sad and depressing, but I need to let it out. I hope you don't mind. I do have a hard time with some of the comforting words, but others do know where we are and their thoughts and prayers do mean a lot. I am selfish right now with my loss, but I also have a great love for God and Dad and know that everything is for the best. God is taking care of Dad and Dad is truly enjoying his new being wherever he is.

I love you Mom.

Brian E. Raitz
wvlibrarydude@yahoo.com